Dear Daughter,
I am so sorry. I am so, so very sorry. I will never be able to adequately express my sorrow and my grief over the wrongs you have suffered. I will also never truly understand your pain. As much as I may try, and as much as I may want to, I will never be able to take that pain from you. My heart aches for you.
I am so sorry. I’m sorry that as your mother, I failed you. I always tried so very hard to protect you from this kind thing, but little did I know the danger that was lurking in my own house. I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry that I failed you in one of the most basic aspects of motherhood. I look back now and I can see that there were times you were trying to tell me. In your little girl way, you were pleading with me to see what was going on and to step in and help you. You wanted it to stop and you tried to go to me for help, but I missed it. I didn’t ask the right questions. I didn’t even consider the possibility that your brother was abusing you day after day. I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself for being blind to your pain and suffering. I do hope that maybe, one day, you will forgive my failings.
I am so sorry that you had your innocence and your childhood taken away from you. I sorry you had to suffer in silence, trying to defend yourself and make sense of this abuse in your sweet little mind. I’m sorry you had to try to protect yourself when that was my job.
I understand if you are angry with me. That’s okay. Be angry. Yell, rage, scream all you want. No matter what, I will still be here. I failed you in the past, but please know and believe, I will always love you. It doesn’t matter if you hate me or blame me, I will still love you. I will do anything I can to help you on this journey to healing. I will support you, believe you, pray for you and love you every day for the rest of my life. I long for nothing more than to go back in time and prevent all of this pain, but since that is impossible, I will do whatever it takes to help you recover.
You are amazing. I look at you and see this beautiful little girl who has the strength of a mighty army within her. I cannot fathom how hard it was to live with the abuse for two long years. You were so very brave when you finally let those words pass from your lips and you shared the secret you were forced to carry. Your courage and strength have been an inspiration. It is clear that in your little body you hold greatness. I hope you never lose sight of that. You have walked through a hellish evil and have come out on the other side. I know that you will still have a rough road to journey, but I have no doubt you are capable of walking it. God has granted you an abundance of His power to help you through. That is not to say that you will always feel strong and full of power. You will have days of feeling small and weak and frail. I will be there on those days for you to cry and weep and grieve for what has been lost. I will hold you and comfort you and listen to you. And when your tears dry and the strength returns to your soul, I will watch in amazement as you rise in beauty and walk forward again.
There is so much more that I long to say. Just know that I love you, I am deeply sorry, and I will always be there for you. You are beautiful and strong and good and kind and generous and funny and sweet and simple amazing. I am so proud of you.
Love always and forever,
Mama
Mom Musings 