After a week of anxiety ravaging my mind and body, I am finally able to feel a smile tug on my lips. I sit here on a rock with the wind and the waves thrashing around me. The sun’s light peeks through the clouds just enough to keep the chill from my bones.
Last week was bad. Really bad. Anxiety stormed into my world and whipped me around till I couldn’t tell my left from my right. My health took a huge hit. My blood pressure kept bottoming out and three times I came within seconds of syncope. It hasn’t been that bad in almost three years, back when my health first plummeted. My doctor put me on a “modified” bed rest (I was still allowed to take my daughter to and from school) and she gave me a one month prescription to try to boost my BP enough to get me through my upcoming trip. She also gave me a prescription for a temporary handicap placard, just in case. Walking out of the DMV with that placard in my hand, I felt so defeated and tears stung my eyes. Hopefully, I will never have to use it. Through all of this, I couldn’t go to my beloved lake, and I couldn’t even think straight enough to journal. I simply lay in bed, feeling like a useless zombie, while anxiety tormented my heart and mind. I found myself rubbing my thumb over my AKF tattoo as my thoughts turned dark and twisted. I began to ask those closest to me to pray.
By the weekend though, things started improving some. I found myself beginning to actually long to be refreshed spiritually. I began to crave the security, love, and joy my Saviour offers. It has been over a year, likely longer, since I felt that way.
Sunday was a rather unique day. I awoke earlier than usual with a decent amount of energy and a desire to bake. After a quick trip to the local market for supplies, I baked a fresh raspberry pie (my favorite!). I had enough time to lie down and rest before going to church. I truly ,enjoyed being there. I felt the warmth of friends’ hugs and sweet words of encouragement spoken in my ear. I sank into the peace of sitting at my husband’s side with his arm wrapped around me. My spirit was lifted listening to the sound of my church family raising their voices in song. The words of my pastor gently pulled at my soul, encouraging me to keep reaching out. However, that afternoon nausea wiped me off my feet and I spent a couple of hours hugging the toilet. Evidently, a supplement my doctor put me on was not agreeing with me. By the evening the nausea had pretty much subsided and I actually felt strong enough to return to church for the evening service. Again, I was embraced by the love and sweetness of my spiritual family. By the end of the service though, I felt my blood pressure crash as my ears went deaf and my sight went black. I gripped my husband tight and he held onto me for several minutes while I waited for my body to realign itself. I came home spent and weary, yet happy.
The past two days my health has leveled out and I have utilized that time, with the help of my daughter, to take care of last minute preparations for my trip. Today is set aside to take it easy and rest as much as possible before leaving at 5:30am tomorrow. So now I sit on a cold, hard rock, warmed by the sun and the majesty of my lake. I am actually getting excited about this trip. God is good.
**Note: I somewhat doubt that I will be able to update this blog much while I am in NY as I am not taking my laptop with me. I will be journaling though, and I will try to update the blog once I return.**