Dear Son

About a month ago my husband and I went to the residential treatment center where my son is staying with the specific intent of finally confronting him.  It may seem odd that we went for several months without a confrontation, but understand that while we were very angry, we were also in the position of having to be an advocate for my son.  We had to fight to get him the treatment he needed (especially regarding my ex-husband who basically wanted to sweep it all under the rug). DS had been placed in the detention home while we were navigating the court system.  That is not exactly a place for a long serious talk.  DS knew that we were angry, but there just had not really been a good time for a real confrontation until a month ago.  We met with him in his therapist’s office and his therapist was there as well.  The following are the things I told him.  These thoughts may be a bit disjointed, but it is what was in my head.

Dear Son,

This meeting has been a very long time coming.  Know that we still love you, we will always love you and we will always pray for you and desire what is best for you.  This does not mean, however, that we will support you in sinful, harmful behavior, or allow you to manipulate, lie to, or deceive us.

 

My greatest fear once I had children, was that one of them would be molested in some way. I felt that it would be even worse than death.  In death at least, I would know that my children would be safe in the Father’s arms.  Sexual molestation is a trauma that haunts an individual for the rest of their life.  I never wanted my children to know that kind of pain.  Not only has that happened, but it has happened in the worst possible way I could imagine.

Please understand that you have seen me angry, but never enraged. This has caused absolute rage in me. You assaulted, abused and traumatized my child for two years. If it was anyone else that had done this, I would be out for blood, literally.  I would be seeking not justice, but absolute vengeance.
I always tried so hard to protect you both.  Even when I was a single mom, I was so cautious about the jobs I accepted so that I was able to put you and your sister first.  I was relentless in researching childcare options for you and the smallest infraction would rule out a center/person.  I installed double protection filters on the computer and had the computer in the living room where it could be viewed by anyone passing.  We don’t have cable.  I am very particular about the movies/books/magazines/music I allow.  I allowed only one overnight and I knew both the parents well and for many years.  I did everything I could to protect you.  You had to work to get out from under that protection and seek out pornography.  It was not brought into your life due to carelessness or negligence on my part.  You had to scheme and study and put considerable effort into getting around not one, but two filters on the computer.  You had to try to utilize any possible moment you could steel away by yourself to look at it.  Even after having multiple conversations with you, you refused to confess it and seek help.  On top of all of this, you took things to the next level by abusing your sister.  I absolutely don’t understand this.  You were not in a messed up, twisted home where you were neglected or abused.  You were being raised in a stable, loving home where you were given every chance to succeed.  We encouraged you in any (healthy) interests you had. You took art classes and piano lessons.  We gifted you airsoft guns and equipment so you could pursue that hobby with your friends.  You had a guitar and music to play.  We encouraged your interests and your hobbies.  You have countless books on a plethora of subjects in which you were interested.  We arranged hunting and camping trips for you as well.  You had every opportunity to express your individuality and use up excess energy.
When we realized something was wrong, we desperately tried to help you in any way we could. We sought counselors for you and godly men to mentor you.  We got you involved in Bible studies and provided ample opportunities for you to be around great role models.  Instead of utilizing that help, you actively sought out ways to deceive and manipulate all of us.  It was not until your sister finally told what was happening that we knew.  Even then, you initially tried to downplay it and put equal blame on her.

Your sister has suffered more than any of us can imagine. She trusted you, respected you and loved you.  She was kept in fear in her own home, never feeling safe and secure.  It is amazing to see the change in her now that she finally does feel safe. However, she still has moments of panic over simple things, and she still struggles from time to time to sleep at night. She wants to keep your room locked up so she doesn’t have to look in there.  She has lost an innocence that she will never regain. Her childhood memories will always be marred by this abuse.

Outside of DD, I am the one you have betrayed and hurt the most. How will I ever fully trust you again?  Due to your deceitfulness, I will be your biggest critic moving forward. The amount of trust you will have to earn back is huge, and it will not be easy. You will not only have to do what is right and tow the line from here on out, but you will have to live far above reproach so that not even a shadow of doubt can be cast on you. You will have to ask in every situation not just if something is right or wrong, but is it wise.  That will have to be your guide for making decisions. Not just here, but when you get out. Convincing your probation officer of your changed heart will be a piece of cake next to convincing me.  Do not for a minute mistake my love for weakness or naïveté.

What is it going to take for you to hit bottom and genuinely repent? (Loss of family/friends, loss of future plans, loss of respect, federal prison?)
Above all, you may somehow, some way find a way to deceive everyone (me, your PO, your therapist, etc), but you can never deceive God. He will not be mocked. You cannot claim His name and treasure sin in your heart. Either you are His son and He will bring about painful and possibly humiliating discipline to bring you back, or you are not His son and at some point He will remove His hand of protection from you and allow you to be swallowed by the sinful world you have craved. Both of these actions could look very similar.

This behavior has acted as an explosion sending shrapnel in every direction and injuring countless people. Don’t think this just affects our immediate family. It has sent aftershocks through our extended family, our friends and our church.  The pain is incredibly deep and has opened old scars for many people.

I still believe that one day you will do good things in your life and that God will be able to use you to be a force of good in this world. BUT, IT IS ON YOU! You have been given the tools, resources and support system to succeed. It is your choice. YOU have to grow up and make a decision as to what your life will look like. You alone will decide what kind of man you will be.  You cannot blame anyone or anything for your actions going forward but yourself. You have a tremendous amount of potential, as I have seen since you were a toddler, but you will have to be faithful to work harder than you ever have before to be the man I know you can be. It will not be easy, but IT CAN BE DONE.

Again, I will always love and support you, but this has got to stop.  Remember also, “The best apology is changed behavior.”

Mom