I have a few chronic illnesses. I have good days and bad days, but they are always there. They will never be completely cured. My good days would still seem difficult to a healthy person. My conditions have also been nicknamed “invisible illnesses.” To most people, I look like a normal, healthy 30-something. They don’t see below the surface as my body fights a war against itself. They may see me resting or putting my feet up and assume that I am just lazy. If they see me park in a handicap spot (with my placard) and walk into a store, they make a snap judgement that I am just a disrespectful, entitled *itch. They don’t see my heart erratically racing because every moment on my feet causes my blood pressure to drop. They don’t know that the walk from the parking lot into the store could mean the difference of me getting home safely, or passing out while driving because my blood pressure bottomed out. They don’t understand that I would give anything, ANYTHING, to be able to walk from the very last spot in the parking lot and not be in pain. These things are with me daily, hiding from the rest of the world. Those closest to me know, and my many doctors and specialists know. But for the random passerby, I look perfectly healthy.
I have been confronted this week by my sickness. Not the illnesses that cause my pain and chronic fatigue, but another sickness I have been trying to deny. Depression. I have battled depression at different moments in my life, but it always seemed fleeting. The past couple of months I have felt it creeping over me again, but I just kept trying to push through. This week I could push no farther. I found myself constantly fighting back tears, being horribly irritable and quick to snap, overwhelmed with a lack of motivation for any form of self-care (eating, showering, putting on makeup or doing my hair, etc), and burdened by and unbearable weight. I desperately wanted an escape. I finally gave in and found myself crying in my doctor’s office, secretly hoping that she would find a reason to admit me to the hospital, even for just one night. I didn’t want to go home. Just being in my home felt so overwhelming, although being in public was even worse. I just wanted to press “pause” on my world for a moment. I recognized that I was not as healthy as I thought. As the week has worn on two other people, beside my doctor, have expressed serious concern. One was my daughter’s therapist. I went in to talk to her briefly before my daughter’s session to update her on some things (my daughter is wanting to take a break from therapy for a little bit), and she ended up spending the entire hour with me. She recognized a drastic change in me and she was deeply concerned. The other person was my dear husband. As we laid in bed last night before falling asleep, I meekly asked him if things really were that bad. With pain, compassion, and concern in his eyes he silently nodded. He assured me that this is as concerning as my doctor and daughter’s therapist have suggested. He held me close and comforted me, and slowly I welcomed sweet sleep.
I have started another medication now to battle my invisible illnesses, but this one is for depression. I know it will take some time for it to start gently unloading the painful burden weighing me down, but it is a start. Right now I am still so weary, so lost. I am very grateful for these three people that have acted as my anchors to keep me from being completely swept away in this storm. I haven’t the strength to even lift my head right now, but God’s grace (and medication) will act as my life jacket to keep me afloat. So for now, I rest from my striving and fighting and I allow the people around me to help hold me up. I’m too weary to fight now anyway.
<p><a href=”https://vimeo.com/7323155″>MIKESCHAIR – Let The Waters Rise</a> from <a href=”https://vimeo.com/user2542015″>MIKESCHAIRTV</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a>.<
“Let The Waters Rise” by Mikeschair
Don’t know where to begin, it’s like my world’s cavin’ in
And I try but I can’t control my fear, where do I go from here?
Sometimes it’s so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willin’ to go where You want me to and God I trust You
There’s a ragin’ sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You
I will swim in the deep ’cause You’ll bein’ next to me
You’re in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You’re never out of reach
God, You know where I’ve been and You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You’ll be faithful again, I’m holdin’ Your hand
There’s a ragin’ sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You
God Your love is enough, You will pull me through, I’m holdin’ onto You
God Your love is enough, I will follow You, I will follow You
There’s a ragin’ sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You
Mom Musings 